Surviving the holiday season.

Happy holidays to all.  I hope everyone survived with some sanity.  I find that holidays can be a very stressful time and for some depressing.  I am lucky to have a wealth of family and friends to share celebrations with.

However, it is an exhausting time of the year for me.  The last couple countdown days to christmas were as usual hectic.  Have you ever gone to the mall the day before Christmas Eve?!  I don't do well with crowds.  My hubby wanted to finish up getting the gifts.  The mall was hot and crowded.  I couldn't wait to get out!  Hubby and I had a bit of an arguement over which snowglobe to get his mom.  To avoid getting more annoyed I finally told him to pick out the globe.  I turn and I see a lady standing by that must have heard us and was knowingly smiling. That brought me down to earth!  I took a few breathes and reminded myself to chill. :)

I took the manta "calm" with me through the rest of the weekend.  It certainly helped and I enjoyed the family gatherings.

I don't need the extra stress since it will just increase my pain level.  Actually being able to overlook the usual family annoyances really keep me comfortable.  I was able to focus on the "fun" stuff.  Watching the grandkids open their gifts was something I would have hated to miss because of my ills!

Every moment I can manage stress and my chronic ills to enjoy the events unfolding are very precious indeed.

BB to all.

Long nights

The nights that get long are more frequent than I care to have.  Pain is my new bedtime companion.  Along with a husband and dog, it gets alittle crowded.  I almost had going to bed knowing that my sleep with be broken and I awaken.  The night ends early for sleep but not in time.  for anyone who has been up in the wee hours of the morning know how slowly the clock moves.

New days become trials in fighting the tireness of poor sleep.  Soon each day becomes more straining to get through.  The madness is that there will not be enough sleep to relieve the strain.
After a time the mind cries out for a more nomal existance.

But I don't remember what normal is anymore.  I have been battling pain for so many years now that its presence is normal.  Not that means it is acceptable.  Far from it.  It is a source of struggle to get through both day and night.  A constant reminder of what I no longer can do.  It is a trigger for sadness over a slowly shrinking world.

In spite of all of this somewhere within me arises a drive to go on.  To grab whatever joy can be out of life.  To stop and see the beauty of the physical world around as it presents in nature and the laughter of children.  For I know it is enviable that the time with come when the physical world gives way to an after world.

It always amazes me that when I write a post how free my thoughts become.  I am not always sure what direction they will take.  But I know they will reflect my attempts to find balance with all that i wrestle.

rainy day misery

Rainy days are murder for someone like me.  I am one of the "but you don't look sick" group.  I have several chronic ills that make daily activities a challenge.  I live with pain everyday.  I live with stiffness and muscle spasms.  Living with chronic pain and other chronic conditions means you have to adjust your life everyday.  When I get up I start my day by assessing how my body is functioning before I even get out of bed.  That assessment will determine how much I can do that day.

Those of us with chronic pain learn to live with a certain level of pain.  There is not much choice.  If we don't, most likey we would have no life.  Pain is something that you can't run from.  No matter where you go it is there.  You can't just ignore it or it screams louder for yoru attention.  The best thing is to give a soft voice.

Now that you have some idea of what I have as a daily baseline, imagine throwing in some factor that increases my symptoms.  Rainy days are damp and dreary.  For me it means more pain and perhaps some light depressive symptoms.  It can also bring irritablity.  Not fun!

When your mood slips it only make your ills feel worse.  That makes your mood worse. 

I try to find activites that are relaxing and calm me.  I love to read and yoga helps.  Still rainy days can be a struggle.  I try to catch myself when I feel myself spiraling down, but sometimes it is hard to contantly monitar.  Today was one of those days.  I didn't catch myself till I had felt totally irritable with everyone and everything.  I did manage to achieve some peace by this evening. 

I feel bad when I am so cranky.  I know I snap at everyone around me, especially those I love.  It is not fair to them.  Balancing emotions is hard enough when you feel good.  It is really hard to do living with chronic illnesses.  Almost impossible at time when you throw in anything that increases stress, physical discomfort and/or emotions.

Inner peace is a constant balancing act.