Do you know that feeling that when you want something how frustrating it is to have to wait for it. I have been running as a volunteer EMT for about 7 months. I have to be signed off from probabtion before I can be a senior EMT. Basicly it means that I don't have to have another EMT in the back of the ambulance with me to oversee my work.
I am so close. I need to get a couple evaluations and then the ambulance captain will talk to the other officers for feedback on lifting the probation. I am so itchy to stop being the 3rd person. I understand the capain's position and responsibility to ensure that I can do what I need to do. The funny thing is that a couple months ago I thought to myself; "I would be content with being the 3rd person forever." I feel like I have once again swung from one extreme to the other.
I know that things work out for the best in the long run. But it is so darn hard to stay objective about it! Sigh. I really need to learn to be patient. It probably would make life alot easier. :)
Life's experiences are woven over time in our web. Have you ever noticed the perfect balance of the spider's web? A lesson is how to balance dagaz.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I can never forget
Round and round I go
running from an unseen foe
A dark shadow threatening to shallow me.
I try so hard to stay free,
but everywhere I be
that shadow runs with me.
If I look I can see,
that shadow is a part of me.
One that will never leave on its own,
for it is part like skin and bone.
I must accept that I am never alone.
It always is my shadow and me.
This poem I wrote expresses my frustration that smacked me in the face again tonight. When you are disabled it seems that middle ground disappears. It is like balancing on a huge crack that an earthquake has opened in the ground beneath your feet.
I have spend years dealing with various medical conditions. The last 12 having been struggling with increasingly frequent and severe pain. I worked for 30 years before I left the work field for disabilty. Before I left I spent a year and a half saying "no way" to my doctors who suggested going on disability. I was brought up with a strong work ethic. I saw myself in my younger years as working to my 70s. As my conditions worsened I finally had to admit that I couldn't continue to work productively and manage my conditions. Working was putting more demand on my body and mind than I could manage. So I began the 18 month trip to get my social security disability. It was a horrible journey. I had to fight all the way. I felt like I was being condemmed a liar and lazy by goverment standards. Finally I won my case. To this day I have never read what the judge based his decison on. I know that my illnesses can put me in a horrible dark place. I can do things I am not proud of and do not wish to feel the need to do again. I fear reading the judge's comments would be too painful.
I manage fairly well in my daily struggle with pain and depression on disability. I know that gainful employment is well beyond my capacities anymore. It was and still is a very difficult thing to accept.
Tonight I experienced total frustration for how my life has become. Often I get the sense that others look at me and think "but you don't look sick". Sometimes it seems people look at me like I have 3 heads when I try and explain my limitations. No I am not wheelchair bound or visiable ill. In fact I have had years of practice hiding my pain and fear until I couldn't anymore. this is the common problem spoonies face from others.
then there is the other side, like I dealt with tonight. You had to be careful on disability. The monsters from the goverment are just watching to trip you up and show that you are faking. I volunteer 1 shift a week that is 6 hours long. Of that time we get 1 or 2 calls at the most. I may be out doing actual EMT stuff for 3 hours total. I do not lift and have made that clear because of the arthitis in my neck, shoulders and upper back. I do a shift during the day because I am physically tired by 9 pm.
I know people mean well, but I hate when i heard that I need to be careful or I will lose my social security. What am I to do; sit home and wait to die!!! may be I should do what I sometimes want to do and bury myself under the covers and not get out of bed. I set a goal for each day. I need a reason to get out of bed and stay out. I hate that people either think that there is nothing wrong or I should act like I am dying. I do not want to spend the last 25 or so years of my life that way. I might as well lie down and die now.
My volunteer work saves my sanity. I don't even do a week's worth of work in a month's time. However it gives me a reason to feel that my life is worth something. It took time for me to accept that what I do is as important as the full time work I did before.
Also what really pisses me off is that I know enough about social security to know that you are allowed to work on a limited basis. You also have a 9 month work trial period for your lifetime. That means that if you go back to gainful employment you continue to receive your benefits as a safety net for a max of 9 months. the amount is adjusted depending on your income. It is set up that if say you go back to work and in 2 months find you can't continue. Your benefits are still active.
One of the people who worries so is my brother in law who worked for the IRS/US immigration dept for years. he should at least have a better understanding than others about SSD.
Sometimes I want to scream at people that I am disabled not dead! I will not curl up and let life pass me by.
I tell myself "breath and relax". I can't let others' ignorance tear me up. I have to find balance in my life and they in theirs.
Thanks for listening to my venting. Now I am going to do some gentle yoga. BB and hugs.
running from an unseen foe
A dark shadow threatening to shallow me.
I try so hard to stay free,
but everywhere I be
that shadow runs with me.
If I look I can see,
that shadow is a part of me.
One that will never leave on its own,
for it is part like skin and bone.
I must accept that I am never alone.
It always is my shadow and me.
This poem I wrote expresses my frustration that smacked me in the face again tonight. When you are disabled it seems that middle ground disappears. It is like balancing on a huge crack that an earthquake has opened in the ground beneath your feet.
I have spend years dealing with various medical conditions. The last 12 having been struggling with increasingly frequent and severe pain. I worked for 30 years before I left the work field for disabilty. Before I left I spent a year and a half saying "no way" to my doctors who suggested going on disability. I was brought up with a strong work ethic. I saw myself in my younger years as working to my 70s. As my conditions worsened I finally had to admit that I couldn't continue to work productively and manage my conditions. Working was putting more demand on my body and mind than I could manage. So I began the 18 month trip to get my social security disability. It was a horrible journey. I had to fight all the way. I felt like I was being condemmed a liar and lazy by goverment standards. Finally I won my case. To this day I have never read what the judge based his decison on. I know that my illnesses can put me in a horrible dark place. I can do things I am not proud of and do not wish to feel the need to do again. I fear reading the judge's comments would be too painful.
I manage fairly well in my daily struggle with pain and depression on disability. I know that gainful employment is well beyond my capacities anymore. It was and still is a very difficult thing to accept.
Tonight I experienced total frustration for how my life has become. Often I get the sense that others look at me and think "but you don't look sick". Sometimes it seems people look at me like I have 3 heads when I try and explain my limitations. No I am not wheelchair bound or visiable ill. In fact I have had years of practice hiding my pain and fear until I couldn't anymore. this is the common problem spoonies face from others.
then there is the other side, like I dealt with tonight. You had to be careful on disability. The monsters from the goverment are just watching to trip you up and show that you are faking. I volunteer 1 shift a week that is 6 hours long. Of that time we get 1 or 2 calls at the most. I may be out doing actual EMT stuff for 3 hours total. I do not lift and have made that clear because of the arthitis in my neck, shoulders and upper back. I do a shift during the day because I am physically tired by 9 pm.
I know people mean well, but I hate when i heard that I need to be careful or I will lose my social security. What am I to do; sit home and wait to die!!! may be I should do what I sometimes want to do and bury myself under the covers and not get out of bed. I set a goal for each day. I need a reason to get out of bed and stay out. I hate that people either think that there is nothing wrong or I should act like I am dying. I do not want to spend the last 25 or so years of my life that way. I might as well lie down and die now.
My volunteer work saves my sanity. I don't even do a week's worth of work in a month's time. However it gives me a reason to feel that my life is worth something. It took time for me to accept that what I do is as important as the full time work I did before.
Also what really pisses me off is that I know enough about social security to know that you are allowed to work on a limited basis. You also have a 9 month work trial period for your lifetime. That means that if you go back to gainful employment you continue to receive your benefits as a safety net for a max of 9 months. the amount is adjusted depending on your income. It is set up that if say you go back to work and in 2 months find you can't continue. Your benefits are still active.
One of the people who worries so is my brother in law who worked for the IRS/US immigration dept for years. he should at least have a better understanding than others about SSD.
Sometimes I want to scream at people that I am disabled not dead! I will not curl up and let life pass me by.
I tell myself "breath and relax". I can't let others' ignorance tear me up. I have to find balance in my life and they in theirs.
Thanks for listening to my venting. Now I am going to do some gentle yoga. BB and hugs.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The pendulum is swinging too far from the center
I increasing feel so far off balance these past days. I am so frustrated and upset. It is not a place I want to be and I know that my perceptions are keeping there. Let me explain. I asked for a kindle fire for Christmas. My wonderful hubby got my one. I was so excited to get it. I enables you to go on the web, watch movies and download books. It is the newest kindle so it cost $200. A regular kindle to just read downloaded books is about $80. I figured I would get more use out this new model.
Since Christmas I have been trying to get the wi-fi to work. Last night we took it back to Best Buy where he bought it and had them check to see if it is working. The store guy had no problem connecting to their company website (which I think is unsecured). Ok it is not the device. So I go over to the firehouse where they have set me up to be able to pick up their internet. Since it is secure I have a password. I know it connected the first time they set me up. Well I tried it and kept getting "mismatch password". I go home and call the fellow who is in charge of the computors there. I was putting in the wrong password. I think finally! Problem solved at least for the fire company.
Today I went over and finished up some paperwork I had volunteered to help them with. I try to connect with the web with the kindle, using the "now I know for sure" correct password. I get "mismatched password again!!!!!!! What the hell???????? I am ready to scream, cry and smash the kindle. I go home and call hubby to tell him that we are going back to Best buy tonite. I am going to have them walk me through step by step how to use the wi-fi. If I can not get it to work after that, I am going to return it for something else or get the money back.
The problem is that I want it to work. I know it is just an object, but it gives me a chance to connect with more than just my little space. I am upset because my hubby spent alot of money on this present. I have a limited income and his job was slowed the couple weeks before the holidays (usual occurance). So what he spent on my gifts this year were above what we usually spend. he bought me a beautiful muscial snowglobe in addition to the kindle. I jsut want it to work.
I sometimes feel so overwhelmed when things don't work. Maybe because I have so much that doesn't work on me, I get upset more when anything else adds to that. It seems like my life is hard enough that I don't want any more dumped in my lap. I don't know how to restore balance right now. I am so off the track that I feel like i'm in sinking sand.
Since Christmas I have been trying to get the wi-fi to work. Last night we took it back to Best Buy where he bought it and had them check to see if it is working. The store guy had no problem connecting to their company website (which I think is unsecured). Ok it is not the device. So I go over to the firehouse where they have set me up to be able to pick up their internet. Since it is secure I have a password. I know it connected the first time they set me up. Well I tried it and kept getting "mismatch password". I go home and call the fellow who is in charge of the computors there. I was putting in the wrong password. I think finally! Problem solved at least for the fire company.
Today I went over and finished up some paperwork I had volunteered to help them with. I try to connect with the web with the kindle, using the "now I know for sure" correct password. I get "mismatched password again!!!!!!! What the hell???????? I am ready to scream, cry and smash the kindle. I go home and call hubby to tell him that we are going back to Best buy tonite. I am going to have them walk me through step by step how to use the wi-fi. If I can not get it to work after that, I am going to return it for something else or get the money back.
The problem is that I want it to work. I know it is just an object, but it gives me a chance to connect with more than just my little space. I am upset because my hubby spent alot of money on this present. I have a limited income and his job was slowed the couple weeks before the holidays (usual occurance). So what he spent on my gifts this year were above what we usually spend. he bought me a beautiful muscial snowglobe in addition to the kindle. I jsut want it to work.
I sometimes feel so overwhelmed when things don't work. Maybe because I have so much that doesn't work on me, I get upset more when anything else adds to that. It seems like my life is hard enough that I don't want any more dumped in my lap. I don't know how to restore balance right now. I am so off the track that I feel like i'm in sinking sand.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
out of balance
Today was like the day from hell. If it could go wrong, it did. I am definately not balanced today. My stress is sky high as is my pain. Every little things seemed to frustrate me. I wantd to cry by dinnertime. I know I should not let things get me so upset. It is like a run away train. Once it hits a certain speed, it is almost impossible to get the breaks to slow it down. My mind feels like it is that train. At this point I think the best thing is to crawl under the covers, turn off the lights and just watch something mindless on tv until I fall asleep. That is my plan. Hopefully tomorrow will have more calm vibs.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Happy New Year
Happy New Year to all. I hope everyone had a great holiday season. Mine was hectic, but enjoyable. The joy I experienced with my family reminded me of all the great things about life.
I spent my new year's day resting after all the stress of holiday prep. It was wonderful! I read my book and took a walk since the weather was fairly mild here. I have gotten out of the habit of daily walks and I realized how much I missed them. I love to walk along a path that runs behind the development. It is a way to connect with nature in a small way. Walking is a huge stress reliever for me. It can sort out problems or just relax and enjoy the sights. I think that taking time out from the craziness of life is a major survival tool. We all need to take some time to ourselves or we get out of balance.
Wishing all a great 2011 filled with manageable days and restful nights. Make sure you stop and smell the roses often. It is a great stress reliever. :)
I spent my new year's day resting after all the stress of holiday prep. It was wonderful! I read my book and took a walk since the weather was fairly mild here. I have gotten out of the habit of daily walks and I realized how much I missed them. I love to walk along a path that runs behind the development. It is a way to connect with nature in a small way. Walking is a huge stress reliever for me. It can sort out problems or just relax and enjoy the sights. I think that taking time out from the craziness of life is a major survival tool. We all need to take some time to ourselves or we get out of balance.
Wishing all a great 2011 filled with manageable days and restful nights. Make sure you stop and smell the roses often. It is a great stress reliever. :)
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