Surviving the holiday season.

Happy holidays to all.  I hope everyone survived with some sanity.  I find that holidays can be a very stressful time and for some depressing.  I am lucky to have a wealth of family and friends to share celebrations with.

However, it is an exhausting time of the year for me.  The last couple countdown days to christmas were as usual hectic.  Have you ever gone to the mall the day before Christmas Eve?!  I don't do well with crowds.  My hubby wanted to finish up getting the gifts.  The mall was hot and crowded.  I couldn't wait to get out!  Hubby and I had a bit of an arguement over which snowglobe to get his mom.  To avoid getting more annoyed I finally told him to pick out the globe.  I turn and I see a lady standing by that must have heard us and was knowingly smiling. That brought me down to earth!  I took a few breathes and reminded myself to chill. :)

I took the manta "calm" with me through the rest of the weekend.  It certainly helped and I enjoyed the family gatherings.

I don't need the extra stress since it will just increase my pain level.  Actually being able to overlook the usual family annoyances really keep me comfortable.  I was able to focus on the "fun" stuff.  Watching the grandkids open their gifts was something I would have hated to miss because of my ills!

Every moment I can manage stress and my chronic ills to enjoy the events unfolding are very precious indeed.

BB to all.

Long nights

The nights that get long are more frequent than I care to have.  Pain is my new bedtime companion.  Along with a husband and dog, it gets alittle crowded.  I almost had going to bed knowing that my sleep with be broken and I awaken.  The night ends early for sleep but not in time.  for anyone who has been up in the wee hours of the morning know how slowly the clock moves.

New days become trials in fighting the tireness of poor sleep.  Soon each day becomes more straining to get through.  The madness is that there will not be enough sleep to relieve the strain.
After a time the mind cries out for a more nomal existance.

But I don't remember what normal is anymore.  I have been battling pain for so many years now that its presence is normal.  Not that means it is acceptable.  Far from it.  It is a source of struggle to get through both day and night.  A constant reminder of what I no longer can do.  It is a trigger for sadness over a slowly shrinking world.

In spite of all of this somewhere within me arises a drive to go on.  To grab whatever joy can be out of life.  To stop and see the beauty of the physical world around as it presents in nature and the laughter of children.  For I know it is enviable that the time with come when the physical world gives way to an after world.

It always amazes me that when I write a post how free my thoughts become.  I am not always sure what direction they will take.  But I know they will reflect my attempts to find balance with all that i wrestle.

rainy day misery

Rainy days are murder for someone like me.  I am one of the "but you don't look sick" group.  I have several chronic ills that make daily activities a challenge.  I live with pain everyday.  I live with stiffness and muscle spasms.  Living with chronic pain and other chronic conditions means you have to adjust your life everyday.  When I get up I start my day by assessing how my body is functioning before I even get out of bed.  That assessment will determine how much I can do that day.

Those of us with chronic pain learn to live with a certain level of pain.  There is not much choice.  If we don't, most likey we would have no life.  Pain is something that you can't run from.  No matter where you go it is there.  You can't just ignore it or it screams louder for yoru attention.  The best thing is to give a soft voice.

Now that you have some idea of what I have as a daily baseline, imagine throwing in some factor that increases my symptoms.  Rainy days are damp and dreary.  For me it means more pain and perhaps some light depressive symptoms.  It can also bring irritablity.  Not fun!

When your mood slips it only make your ills feel worse.  That makes your mood worse. 

I try to find activites that are relaxing and calm me.  I love to read and yoga helps.  Still rainy days can be a struggle.  I try to catch myself when I feel myself spiraling down, but sometimes it is hard to contantly monitar.  Today was one of those days.  I didn't catch myself till I had felt totally irritable with everyone and everything.  I did manage to achieve some peace by this evening. 

I feel bad when I am so cranky.  I know I snap at everyone around me, especially those I love.  It is not fair to them.  Balancing emotions is hard enough when you feel good.  It is really hard to do living with chronic illnesses.  Almost impossible at time when you throw in anything that increases stress, physical discomfort and/or emotions.

Inner peace is a constant balancing act.

Stress will make me bald!

I picked this text color since it  expresses my mood today.  I feel uptight and frustrated by alot of little thing.  Do you ever feel impatient one day and the next you are calm as a cucumber?  I know in part it is due to my medical conditions.  But what makes it worse is knowing that it is not the usual way others deal with stress.  However, I believe that dealing with stress is not easy for anyone.  Lately I have been feeling some disappointments which I have experienced this month.  I have tried to get more involved in some of the volunteer work I do.  In one case, I was directed away due to lack of experience.  that i understand.  But on the other hand how do you get experience unless you have a chance to be involved in the area you need the experience!  it reminds of when I was first out of school and looking for a job.  It was the same story. :(  In the second case, a person who was going to resign the position I was interested in changed their mind deciding to stay.  There would be no way that I can compete with that.  In this case I feel really more disappointed.  I know I could have done the what it called for and the person who was going to quit (remember this is a volunteer position), was going to do so because he became angry at a meeting with the township board and walked out.

My usual things to relax have not worked or just not possible earlier.  When I went to do my  yoga the dog thought I wanted to play and was jumping on me.



I tried doing some of my yoga stretches, and the dog decides it means i want to play.  Well I had to put the yoga on hold till later.  Just now I must have hit the wrong key and thought I lost this whole post!  I am so stressed that my neck feel like a board and hurts big time even when I move slightly. :( :(

Balance is not a word in my vocabulary today!  Maybe it will come 2nite.  I am keeping fingers crossed.

Looking into the self

Today was definately a day when the inner self was mirrored for me.  When put in a situation where my skills are fairly new, I fear any mistake or failure.  At times I believe I have failed to live up to some standard of performance.  On these occassion, like today I become very upset with myself.  In my mind I see that those around me see my failing.  I feel like I have a huge "loser" written all over my forehead.

When I take the time and have the courage to explore these perceptions, I often find them to be far off from reality.  What I believe others see in my actions is not what they report seeing.  Why do I judge myself so harshly?  Because I grow up in a family where I received limited positive feedback on my accomplishments. 

When you rarely hear "good job" or see very little reaction, you assume that the feat you have done is not worth the praise you believed it was.  No matter how hard you try, you never feel that you get things right since you don't get the praise.  In childhood, that feedback shapes your self image and how you will behave as an adult.

Over the years I have come to understand why I strieve so hard and why I tend to not believe praise I receive as something I earned.  however, those old tapes still somehow get into the recorder.  Then it gets switched on and "bam" I get punched again in the ego.  I react to old stuff that is not real anymore.  In fact it was never a measure of reality.  Rather it was and is simply mine or someone else's perception.

As humans we judge everything.  Which is better, smarter, prettier, etc.  Does that make the end judgement true?  Definately not.  Reality contains no degree of judgement.  Each things, event, person has a purpose and importance in life.  So why is so hard not to make judgements?  Sometimes I think that trying not to judge is harder than believing something based on a judgement.

Judgements that become "reality" for us can really cause alot of trouble in our lives.  We behave and react according to what we believe to be reality.  I react to my belief that I was fumbling along and everyone could see that.  I felt so upset and in emotional pain.  You know the kind of feeling where you want to crawl under the covers and shut out everything and everyone.

But I talked it out with a friend who was with me during the day.  I realized that how I thought I was being seen as, was not the way others were seeing me at all.  So now I have to work on believing more in myself and my ability to do.  I guess I will have to put on my glasses so I can see that mirror image more clearly.

Welcome to my world

This blog will give readers a view into a world of struggles and good times.  Perhaps I am writing it to try and collect my thoughts about the windy path life takes.  Why do we wind up with what we get in life.  This is something I have asked myself before and am still trying to figure it out.

I hope through writing out my thoughts along with readers feedback, the answers to life's mysteries will become clearer.  Either that or it will be just as muddy. LOL

Hope you enjoy my posts.  I welcome comments. :)