Honoring my mom

April 2 marked the 18 year anniversery of my mom's passing.  Time does ease the pain of loss.  I was 37 1/2 and my children were still young.  It makes me sad to think of all the things my mom missed of my children's growing up.  I believe she saw them from the other side.  It is not the same thing as seeing her reaction to my son's 1st home run. 
Now my husband is dealing with almost 3 months of his mom's passing.  I can understand the mix of feelings he is going through.

The hardest part is the distribution and disposal of the house and contents.  His  one sister, who is in charge of the estate has not changed anything.   The house looks like his mother is coming back any moment.  It reminds me of a shrine.

I wonder if it honoring or denying a mother's passing.  I had to go through my mother's things which was so hard.  I kept some things and disposed of many things.  Over the years some of the things I had taken such as clothes have beaten the dust.  But even if the objects are gone the memories remain.  That is more important than trying to preserve the ideal imagine.

All things come to an end and are recycled into something new.  I think the longer you try to hold on to what was, the more you are really dishonoring the memory of mom. 

We mothers give birth, love and nuture our children.  We teach them how to manage in the world because we know that one day we will leave this world and they will remain.  I think the greatest honor we can pay to our mothers is to be able to mourn them, cherish their memories and get on with our lives.

Mom I still miss you terribly.  I know you will be waiting when it is my time to pass over.  I know that you will put your arms around me and welcome me.  That my heart will swell with love and peace.  Until that time, I know you walk with me on my path through life.  Just because I can not see or touch you, I can feel you in my heart.

That is the way I honor all that you did for me in our time together on earth.  Love you mom.

Accepting loss

Today the online obit and guestbook for the victim of the accident was started.  It already had 43 enties.  There is a picture of Dave.  When I saw it, I felt like a had closure.  It was like "yes, it was really him that died in that accident."  I also found comfort from reading the entries.  There are townhouses right off the highway where the accident happened.  One of the people who woke and saw the accident left such a nice entry.

I know that we will never know exactly what happened that started the chain of events leading up to death.  I wish they could figure it out.  I think it might help the family.  My husband goes to work by where the accident happened.  He said that from the skid marks it looked like he was in the left lane and went diagonally to the right into the guard rail and was shoot across the 2 lanes with the brakes locked and into the concrete barrier.  From there the car must have flipped and rolled.  At some point, Dave was thrown from the car.  Most likely he was either killed or unconscious when the car hit the barrier.  He probably had little time to think about what was happening. 

My husband and i talked about it and think he may have had a tire blow.  I would rather believe that than think it was some driver error.  He seemed too careful for that.

Grief is so hard because it does not just come and go.  It slams into you and slowly slips away over time.  It never gets easier,  For me, I grieve by taking about the loss.  I feel that as I talk I release some of the excess emotion.  Like a boiler letting off some steam.

Time is truely a healer.  We just need to be patient.

one less person in the world

How do you deal with suddenly losing someone who is not a relative or a friend, but someone you liked?  Shortly before I heard that the manager at a resturant my husband and I go to every week was killed last night in a car accident on his way home from work.  Shock does not quite describe my reaction.  It was more like someone punched me in the stomach and turned the world upside down.

I think he was the favorite manager there. I would see him helping serve when it was busy.  He always stopped to talk to us, He was probably in his mid to later 30s, married with 2 daughters. I can't imagine what his family is feeling now.  I hope that when the end came he did not have time to  realize what was happening.  He didn't deserve to have his last moments of life invaded by fear and terror.  I remember last week he was telling us how he had had a wonderful weekend with his daughters. 

I am pleased that I had the chance to have him touch my life and pass on positive  energy.  Even though his life ended early and in such a tragic event, I know he brought a lot of life into the world in the time he spent here.  He touched alot of people even if only for a moment.

I believe that we all touch the people we meet and those people touch us.

Dave, I am honored to have known you.  Your smile and gentle manner will be with me always.  I know you are with your ancestors and those who have loved you and passed before you.  When you look down at us, know that we miss you.

when the world seems against you, scream!

I think the title says it all. lol  I awoke this am and thougth it would just be another day.  I went to call pain management for my march refills and find my phone is dead.  What????????  Good thing I have a cell phone.  Ok that chore is done.  Now I go to feed the cats and dog.  No dog downstairs.  Hanna is still a puppy and one who likes to chew (clothes, shoes, lipstick, etc).  I go upstairs feeling tired and "what is that dog up to now!".  The dog had ripped the bedsheet!  "Are you kidding?  Ok who hates me today" runs through my head.

I was so anxious that I feed the cats the dry food instead of the canned and almost forgot to take my medication.  All this happens before my coffee!  I feel like "this is too much without caffine"

At lunch time I leave the house to go to yoga class.  I stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things.  I thought I left myself enough time.  Murphy's law will say that if you are having bad day, you will be late for class!  Sure enough I was late.  this is the first time for this class and they had started  when I raced in without even having taken my coat for.

At this point I am thinking "I REALLY need this class!"  It really did help me regroup and calm my mind. 

At least the day has improved.  My hubby came home early and fixed the phone.  I was cleaning the living room vent yesterday (which has not been cleaned like my house in too long).  The vent in down by the basedboard and the phone jack for the computor connection is next to it.  I must have bumped the jack.  Duhhh.

I wish I could remember to be patient and trust that the universe straightens everything in the right time.  :)

Gentle hugs to my 2 loyal followers.

overdoing things costs big energy.

I am exhausted today.  Every muscle in my body aches, burns or is stiff.  I have been trying to please too many people and overdid the week.  I know that I have to give myself some down time or I crash emotionally and physically.  I don't always listen to that little voice that says "Hey slow down!"

Now I am sitting on the bed exhausted and sore wanting to kick myself for not listening.  I think what really bothers me is these times reminder me of my limitations.  Ones that have come in the last 10 years.  It may seem awhile  and you think I would be used to it, but when you have been active it is something you never quite get used to.

The pain and the feeling of failing comes from the overdoing it.  I struggle everytime to keep my emotions from spinning out of controp when this happens.  It is depressing to see others seeming to function without any trouble.  The everyday things I used to do so effortlessly, not requires more energy.  that extra energy takes away from the reserve I have to do other things.  Days like today feel like I do not even have the energy to manage basic daily activities.

Right now I need to lay down and shut out the world for a while.  That is my time for my brain to recoup its sanity.  Later.

I hate waiting

Do you know that feeling that when you want something how frustrating it is to have to wait for it.  I have been running as a volunteer EMT for about 7 months.  I have to be signed off from probabtion before I can be a senior EMT.  Basicly it means that I don't have to have another EMT in the back of the ambulance with me to oversee my work.

I am so close.  I need to get a couple evaluations and then the ambulance captain will talk to the other officers for feedback on lifting the probation.  I am so itchy to stop being the 3rd person.  I understand the capain's position and responsibility to ensure that I can do what I need to do.    The funny thing is that a couple months ago I thought to myself; "I would be content with being the 3rd person forever."    I feel like I have once again swung from one extreme to the other. 

I know that things work out for the best in the long run.  But it is so darn hard to stay objective about it!  Sigh.  I really need to learn to be patient.  It probably would make life alot easier. :)

I can never forget

Round and round I go
running from an unseen foe

A dark shadow threatening to shallow me.
I try so hard to stay free,

but everywhere I be
that shadow runs with me.

If I look I can see,
that shadow is a part of me.

One that will never leave on its own,
for it is part like skin and bone.

I must accept that I am never alone.
It always is my shadow and me.


This poem I wrote expresses my frustration that smacked me in the face again tonight.   When you are disabled it seems that middle ground disappears.  It is like balancing on a huge crack that an earthquake has opened in the ground beneath your feet.

I have spend years dealing with various medical conditions.  The last 12 having been struggling with increasingly frequent and severe pain.  I worked for 30 years before I left the work field for disabilty.  Before I left I spent a year and a half saying "no way" to my doctors who suggested going on disability.  I was brought up with a strong work ethic.  I saw myself in my younger years as working to my 70s.  As my conditions worsened I finally had to admit that I couldn't continue to work productively and manage my conditions.  Working was putting more demand on my body and mind than I could manage.  So I began the 18 month trip to get my social security disability.  It was a horrible journey.  I had to fight all the way.  I felt like I was being condemmed a liar and lazy by goverment standards.  Finally I won my case.  To this day I have never read what the judge based his decison on.  I know that my illnesses can put me in a horrible dark place.  I can do things I am not proud of and do not wish to feel the need to do again.  I fear reading the judge's comments would be too painful.

I manage fairly well in my daily struggle with pain and depression on disability.  I know that gainful employment is well beyond my capacities anymore.  It was and still is a very difficult thing to accept.

Tonight I experienced total frustration for how my life has become.  Often I get the sense that others look at me and think "but you don't look sick".  Sometimes it seems people look at me like I have 3 heads when I try and explain my limitations.  No I am not wheelchair bound or visiable ill.  In fact I have had years of practice hiding my pain and fear until I couldn't anymore.  this is the common problem spoonies face from others. 
then there is the other side, like I dealt with tonight.  You had to be careful on disability.  The monsters from the goverment are just watching to trip you up and show that you are faking.  I volunteer 1 shift a week that is 6 hours long.  Of that time we get 1 or 2 calls at the most.  I may be out doing actual EMT stuff for 3 hours total.  I do not lift and have made that clear because of the arthitis in my neck, shoulders and upper back.  I do a shift during the day because I am physically tired by 9 pm.

I know people mean well, but I hate when i heard that I need to be careful or I will lose my social security.  What am I to do; sit home and wait to die!!!   may be I should do what I sometimes want to do and bury myself under the covers and not get out of bed.  I set a goal for each day.  I need a reason to get out of bed and stay out.  I hate that people either think that there is nothing wrong or I should act like I am dying.  I do not want to spend the last 25 or so years of my life that way.  I might as well lie down and die now.

My volunteer work saves my sanity.  I don't even do a week's worth of work in a month's time.  However it gives me a reason to feel that my life is worth something.  It took time for me to accept that what I do is as important as the full time work I did before. 

Also what really pisses me off is that I know enough about social security to know that you are allowed to work on a limited basis.  You also have a 9 month work trial period for your lifetime.  That means that if you go back to gainful employment you continue to receive your benefits as a safety net for a max of 9 months.  the amount is adjusted depending on your income.  It is set up that if say you go back to work and in 2 months find you can't continue.  Your benefits are still active.
One of the people who worries so is my brother in law who worked for the IRS/US immigration dept for years.  he should at least have a better understanding than others about SSD.

Sometimes I want to scream at people that I am disabled not dead!  I will not curl up and let life pass me by.
I tell myself "breath and relax".  I can't let others' ignorance tear me up.  I have to find balance in my life and they in theirs.

Thanks for listening to my venting.  Now I am going to do some gentle yoga.  BB and hugs.