Looking into the self

Today was definately a day when the inner self was mirrored for me.  When put in a situation where my skills are fairly new, I fear any mistake or failure.  At times I believe I have failed to live up to some standard of performance.  On these occassion, like today I become very upset with myself.  In my mind I see that those around me see my failing.  I feel like I have a huge "loser" written all over my forehead.

When I take the time and have the courage to explore these perceptions, I often find them to be far off from reality.  What I believe others see in my actions is not what they report seeing.  Why do I judge myself so harshly?  Because I grow up in a family where I received limited positive feedback on my accomplishments. 

When you rarely hear "good job" or see very little reaction, you assume that the feat you have done is not worth the praise you believed it was.  No matter how hard you try, you never feel that you get things right since you don't get the praise.  In childhood, that feedback shapes your self image and how you will behave as an adult.

Over the years I have come to understand why I strieve so hard and why I tend to not believe praise I receive as something I earned.  however, those old tapes still somehow get into the recorder.  Then it gets switched on and "bam" I get punched again in the ego.  I react to old stuff that is not real anymore.  In fact it was never a measure of reality.  Rather it was and is simply mine or someone else's perception.

As humans we judge everything.  Which is better, smarter, prettier, etc.  Does that make the end judgement true?  Definately not.  Reality contains no degree of judgement.  Each things, event, person has a purpose and importance in life.  So why is so hard not to make judgements?  Sometimes I think that trying not to judge is harder than believing something based on a judgement.

Judgements that become "reality" for us can really cause alot of trouble in our lives.  We behave and react according to what we believe to be reality.  I react to my belief that I was fumbling along and everyone could see that.  I felt so upset and in emotional pain.  You know the kind of feeling where you want to crawl under the covers and shut out everything and everyone.

But I talked it out with a friend who was with me during the day.  I realized that how I thought I was being seen as, was not the way others were seeing me at all.  So now I have to work on believing more in myself and my ability to do.  I guess I will have to put on my glasses so I can see that mirror image more clearly.